Minhwa Self Portrait
Seanna K.
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I first moved to my current hometown in kindergarten; I was one of maybe two or three Asian kids. My classmates throughout elementary school would make comments about my accent, my mono-lids, how small my eyes are, what language my parents spoke, and the food I ate during lunch. Even though I learned both languages at the same time, I was more fluent in Korean than English before I even entered pre-school, so I spoke English with a heavy Korean accent. When I first started going to school, I had to adjust from speaking mainly Korean to English. There were many times when I'd be embarrassed about my culture and being spoken to in Korean in public, especially in front of my classmates. I'd beg my mom to only speak English in public and apologize to my friends for my mom's heavy Korean accent. I started to speak English inside my house as well, causing my Korean to get worse. I grew to be embarrassed and ashamed of being Korean, and that is something I will always regret. I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self that the same people who made fun of me would grow up to fetishize Korean culture and want to be Korean. I would tell my younger self that I should fully embrace who I am rather than deny any part of myself because, in the end, only my opinion of myself mattered. I'd tell myself that not speaking Korean was a mistake and to embrace my culture because one day, I would regret it. Desperate to try and reconnect with my culture, I joined the Korean Fan Dancing club at my school, spoke more Korean, tried the traditional Korean art style, minhwa, and surrounded myself with Korean media. I continue to strive to find the beauty in myself and my Korean identity, and recently, I started to embrace my mono-lids as well, choosing to do my makeup to compliment them rather than hide them. It’s a journey to love every part of me, and I hope to continue to find ways to connect with Korean culture.
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For most of my life, I denied myself my creativity and preferences and let my parents dictate my life and choose whatever option or activity they said was best for me. Expressing my creativity gives me the freedom and permission to make decisions for myself and dictate my own life.
